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So said my taxi co-pilot cum political humorist, as we creaked along through Yangon smaze in our time bomb on wheels, past the beckoning Shwedagon, below the slogan-heavy billboards and beyond the scuttled Soviet tanks sitting in empty parks.  While changing dollars into Kyat, the co-pilot recounted how a year ago Myanmar's Twelve Junta awoke in the middle of an astrologically auspicious night, and secretly moved the entire government from Yangon to Pyinmana for fear of an imminent US military invasion.   Apparently, everyone was sober at the time.

After decades of Ne Win's nutty economics-by-numerology (ie only printing currency denominations divisible by 9), you had to believe it could get better.  And by the diamonds and Dior draping Myanmar's economic elite and the business class perks enjoyed by the government, things seem better.  Then you land and realize that 99% of the population rides decrepit buses, electricity is an occasional luxury and gasoline is rationed daily;  SUVs cost US$300,000 and a 1990 Toyota goes for US$30,000; there’s no traffic, but golf course parking lots are full of SUVs.  Which only proves that if you have natural resources, a revolving door of casino revenue and Junta-friendly neighbors, you can be crazy, corrupt, keep a country impoverished and maintain one of Asia's largest militaries.

If you only want to go to fully functioning democracies in Asia, limit your travels to Taiwan, South Korea and Japan.

Mingalaba!  Yangon's new International Airport would be a mini Changi if there were tourists and power.  It's more like a glorified bus stop with lights flickering on and off to the giggles of the immigration officers while Burmese wrapped in longyi wait for relatives and the off chance you need a taxi into town.  Have your hotel pick you up or go with the taxi service (US$4-5).

Itineraries

Fly an hour to Bagan, travel upriver to Mandalay and either fly back or take the train to Yangon (at least a day or two).  You can fly to Ngapali from Yangon, Bagan or Mandalay.  

Survival Tips

Note on Accommodation:  Like a plastic Prada handbag selling for a premium, it's a ruse to charge US$200/night or more in this country.

Colonial in Yangon

The former British capital, and until independence (1948) Burmese were a minority in this city of Indian administrators and Chinese traders.  Built on a grand scale with two large lakes, wide boulevards and numerous parks, Yangon was a more cosmopolitan city than Bangkok before Ne Win's coup and subsequent isolation.  Orderly, languid and torrentially steamy, very little has changed in 50 years.  The Shwedagon is its physical and spiritual center, and the lack of investment has allowed Yangon to retain much of its original architecture and color. 

To Do 

-Wake up around 5 am and head out to the silent streets to catch processions of monks, college jogging teams and prostrating worshippers in the middle of the street facing the Shwedagon.  

-Walk the old section where cultures and religions intersect, still peacefully.  Free a bird at Sule Pagoda across from the majestic old city hall.  Take Sule Street, go left at Merchant Road and past the market mania and embassy district.  Take any side street toward the river (right) and see blocks of decaying, pastel turn of the century apartments.  Break at the Strand or lovely, little Monsoon (Thienbyu Rd) for a Mekong lunch.  

-Visit the old Scott's market which is an organized Chatuchak without as much to buy.  If you come out on the Anawrahta Rd, go left, and you'll pass a deserted ministry guarded by an AK-47 toting teenager.  Take a right at the next street and you're heading toward Sule Pagoda.

-Night crawl at the Maha Wizara, the petit pagoda fronting the Shwedagon. You'll find a local food street, men wrapping Betel leaves and young monks on squat stools scoffing noodles.

To Stay -  The Savoy is a lovely boutique in the former residence of an American doctor.  Well located, German-run, home to independent travelers and frequent visitors.  Take breakfast around the pool (US$ 80 - 125).  Don't miss a meal at Swiss run Le Planteur (549-389) set across a broad manicured lawn in a residential neighborhood - call for reservations and transport in a vintage Morris.

Stupefied in Bagan

The ancient capital until it was sacked by Kublai Khan, then more recently by the global art collecting community ripping Buddha heads and frescoes off most of the stupas.  Bagan's residents were moved out ten years ago to nearby New Bagan, and the old city is now a UNESCO heritage site, or so they say, charging US$10 per head on arrival.  It's still a tightly knit horse and buggy town with dirt roads, white picket fences, cheroot smoking elders and packs of children, cheeks smeared with talaka, selling postcards.  

To Do

-With over 2,000 stupas - most nearly 1,000 years old - contained in just 16 sq miles, you can look 10° in any one direction for a panoramic view of 30+ stupas. 

-Bagan is home to the Sunset Stupa experience. You can no longer climb on most stupas to see the sunset, but inconspicuous Khay Min Kha is an exception.  Or there's always Balloons over Bagan..

-The stunning gilded Shwezigon is a pilgrimage stupa, best visited in the afternoon après le tour groups.  Other favorites include little known, very local "one wish" Alopyi Temple housing gold and diamond encrusted buddhas, and the elegant white-washed Gawdawpalin near the entrance of the Bagan Hotel - the second largest stupa in Bagan.

-Make a Pilgrimage to Mt. Popa, Myanmar's Mt. Olympus, to pay homage to the 37 Nats, animist spirits which are said to hold sway over most people, places and experiences.

To Stay - Tharabargate Hotel (US$80/night) is right outside the city wall and caters to Euro tours.  Set around a courtyard pool, each room is spacious and modern and the food is well prepared.  The hotels inside the city walls apparently pay a premium to the government for the privilege.

Up the River from Bagan to Mandalay - The Irrawaddy is the lifeline of this country.  Whether you go local or with a foreign operator like MV Pandaw, floating up the Irrawaddy is the only way to get closer to the villages of nomads, many of whom sell sand off the banks in the dry season and move two or three times a year as the river ebbs and flows.  Pandaw, which supports building schools for these communities, does a pleasant two night cruise that's well organized, friendly and informative without the obsequiousness of an E&O experience.

Mandalay

It was probably great before electricity.  Mandalay, immortalized by Kipling, is a bustling, traffic-choked city that has a distinctly people-trading-illegally air about it.   While the scale of the old royal palace is impressive (it was gutted during WWII) the real treat is the cities around Mandalay, Mingugn and Sagaing first and foremost, which if you arrive by boat you'll know by the beautiful sight of white and gold stupas dotting the riverside hills.  

To Do

-Sagaing and Inwa were capitals and pilgrimage sites in the 12th and 13th century respectively, however Sagaing is the center of Myanmar's Buddhist faith with over 600 monasteries and daily processions.

-Mingun is just a beautiful, old medieval town that's tourist free and only accessible by boat.  You'll be swept up by local children wanting to escort you to the world's largest uncracked bell..hire a boat from Mandalay's west pier.

Ngapali